Personally I hate "How To" articles and blog entries, but In this case I thought it'd be amusing to poke some fun at a group of online people I like to call--only for the reason I don't actually know what to call them--web elitists.

I've been meaning to post something like this before, but never got around to typing it.

But here it is...finally!

Keep In Mind

Before you start designing and publishing your opinions online and sharing with your fellow elitists you must first familiarize yourself with the elitist ways. They despise trends, and the idiots who follow them. They disapprove of the use of blends, brushes, celebrity images (all of which I personally agree with) and tiny fonts.

Elitists live and breath articles. If you do not write articles you will not be accepted as a tried and true elitist. So whip out your key board or the old fashioned pen and paper and start brainstorming.

A popular topic for discussion is the lack of real "web designers" on the net. If for some unlucky reason your brain turns out nothing the least bit interesting, this topic is highly recommended and is a sure fire way to start getting acknowledged as one of them. Another common subject is writing up "How To" guides for making a successful website or how to blog. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, we'll go into more detail later in the guide..

It's quite amazing how much elitists have in common, regardless of the "anti-trend" mentality. In a way, they're following their own trends within their social circle, and a trend that's popular right now, and something that you should keep in mind is writing website reviews. Boy oh boy do they love reviews--so you'll need to love writing them too. The only thing they love writing more than articles are reviews. In fact, some love it so much, they end up making a review site all of their own. Don't be surprised if your turn out to be one of them.

So make a note of all these points.

Strictly Valid

Without a doubt, you will need to learn how to code in valid XHTML, and use valid CSS. You're site will not be accepted if it isn't coded properly. You will quickly learn that valid coding is a necessity. If its not valid, chances are they won't give you or your site the time of day. Talk about fair, right? Well, what can I say? The world of elitists is full of judgmental nitpickers. Don't be surprised when you start turning into one too.

In a addition learn about Accessibility. Elitists love throwing this into conversations and can literally turn any topic into one about accessibility, and what web browser you use (Answer: Mozilla Firefox). They are fucking obsessed with this term, and in turn you should be too.

A Boring First Impression is Highly Desirable

Now onto the fun stuff...or in this case the not so fun. But pretend you enjoy it anyway.

Remember simplicity is key. Use a simple text header with few colors. The fewer the better. No bright colors, as it proves too troublesome to look at. If possible opt for nuetrals, and if absolutely necessary add a splash of color--only a splash, and not a speckle more.

Stick with 1-2 column layouts. And absolutely no tables! You will be shunned for even thinking about using something so outdated. Instead use DIVs and if possible, go fluid. Fixed-widths layouts are so not in--or at least not for the elitists. For inspiration visit a fellow elitist's website. You'll only need to visit one, because they all pretty much follow the same format. Don't let your creative side call the shots--just follow everyone else.

Don't try anything flashy, it gets too much attention, and you'd want all the attention to be on your awesome articles. That means no elaborate backgrounds, image headers, and crazy text/link colors, or really anything that grabs too much attention, or any attention for that matter.

Always set your font size to something enormous like 48pt. Anything smaller and they'll go blind from having difficulty reading it. Initially it will look awkward, but eventually you will start getting used to it.

Last but not least, minimize your sub links. Elitists, if you must know, are lazy. So the simpler things are, the better.

Oh Glory to Articles

As you already know articles are an important necessity in the elitist world. It's the bread and butter of their life and you can never have enough of them. Aside from your blog, articles will basically make up your visitor's section. Appropriately label it "Writing" or "Articles", and never "Visitor"!

Keep in mind when writing articles, what you write about is important. As I have mentioned previously a few hot topics to consider are the lack of real "web designers" and "How To" guides. Others include you're online pet peeves, and the importance of valid coding and accessibility.

Remember articles should be the only source of content you have, and aside from your blog, it will be the only other source of personality. This means no favorites lists, no long autobiographies, no quizzes, no random trivia, basically nothing personal--elitists never care for those much anyway. Instead try to put your personality into your blog entries and into you're articles. Simple and reasonable enough, right?

But wait! Let's go over what constitutes an acceptable blog entry first before you get all hyped up.

How to Blog

Elitists hate little details. It happens to be a mutual pet peeve they all share. To avoid getting on their list of blogs to avoid, never mention the people in your life. For instance, they don't give a flaming monkey's ass that Tyler bought you a dozen roses for the sake of seeing you smile, or that Donna is a slut. You can argue that they are certainly part of your personal life, but they can argue never to give out personal information, and then simply label your blog "avoid". So best not do it.

Other things that fit into the "little details" category would be what you ate, who you saw, what you did, what you're wearing and what you bought. To be quite honest, blogging about any of those is a big no no and a definite death wish.

So now I bet you're asking yourself, "what on god's planet am I supposed to blog about now?" Well, there's world peace, the flaws in society or politics. And if all else fails, rant on about all the annoying little trend followers you hate.

Tips

Now that your well on your way to becoming the elitist you've always ambitioned to be, here are a few tips to help you maintain your newly achieved status.

For a bunch of anti trend followers, they sure know how to "think outside the box".

I tell you, elitists are fucking insane.

Hmm, it'll be interesting to see what type of reactions I get from this post.